Tips for building healthy, mutually beneficial friendships4 mins read

At the start of the year, one of my friends (M) asked me about making friends. We were just having the regular new year catch-up/talk and he stated making more friends as a goal for 2021, hence his question. I was pleasantly surprised that he was asking me about making friends. It initially seemed ironic to me because I felt like I also needed lessons on making friends, genuine friends like HassyTee shared here.

Upon (a couple of seconds of) further reflection, I realised that it wasn’t ironic at all. Yes, I used to have the personal battle of wanting more genuine friendships but over the past 2 years that has changed. Some of my struggles stemmed from associating the word ‘friend’ with something deeper than just knowing each other. I wrote about that here.

My first rodeo in experiencing deep platonic friendships was in 2019, triggered by a breakup (I know, I know. Lol). At the time, I realised that the person I considered my truest friend was the same person with whom a relationship had ended. It was a really stressful period and I made a conscious decision to never let that happen again. Don’t get me wrong. I still believe your partner should be your closest/best friend, but they shouldn’t be your only close true friend. Apart from the fact that you’ll be alone if the relationship ends, you will also be burdening them a lot because you want them to be your all – no human should have to carry that burden, neither can they fill the role well.

Back to friendships. In 2020, I made another conscious decision to have deeper friendships. My focus was actually to have more female friends but I was open to male friends as well. I used to be quite bothered about the male: female ratio of my friendships but these days, I just choose to enjoy friendships, irrespective of the gender. At the time, I didn’t have a strategy to accomplish my friendship goal but by the end of 2020, I found that my friendships had aged like fine wine. When M asked the question about making friends, I decided to think through what I may have actively done to achieve that and that conversation prompted this post.

Before I go into sharing some of the steps I found out, I would like to say that actively seeking out friendships does not make it any less than a friendship that happened ‘naturally’. I believe that whichever way the friendship was started, growing it requires being very intentional and that will require active work, not passivity. So these tips are for anyone looking to have deeper friendships, whichever way they may have started.

Shared values

I think the first and most important thing in having genuine friendships is building with people who share similar values with you. Please note that this in no way implies tribe, religion, nationality or any of those groupings. I mean personal values that guide their outlook on life. What this will be differs for everyone and so you can determine what values you cherish and will like those around you to constantly exude. It doesn’t have to be a 100% match though, just good enough for you.

Look within your circle

You know that saying of what you’re looking for in Sokoto (state) is in your sokoto (trouser)? I think many things are like that sometimes, friendship inclusive. WE may be looking to have deeper friendships and somehow the thrill of a new person seems more appealing than connecting with an older acquaintance. Most of my friendships, in all their ‘newness’, are with people who have been in my circle for years. I think I just reviewed the relationships and chose to be more intentional.

Explore Social Media

For all the bad rep social media may get, it is increasingly becoming a means of communication in today’s world. The lockdown of 2020 showed us how important internet connectivity has become. Finding friends on social media may not be a very active way as people are primarily there to share. But if you find someone you think you may vibe with, it doesn’t hurt to move convos from the TL to the DMs. You may get aired or you may get a great friendship. You won’t know if you don’t try.

Be present at physical gatherings/parties/rest spots

Don’t go and be ‘pressing phone’ when you can meet people. I just threw this one in because one of my friends mentioned it as a way for him. I personally am not a social butterfly and I haven’t really formed deep connections from any physical meet. But I guess it makes sense for it to be a means. Even with the social distancing ongoing, I don’t think we will ever really eliminate physical interactions. So this is worth exploring.

Vulnerability/Trust/Honesty/Respect

Looking at all my friendships, I have found that deeper they are, the more we have shared with each other. This is a part of growing friendships that I think is very important and I am not sure if any true friendship exists without it. This is also one of the reasons why sharing similar values is important because that way, your friend can better relate with you and offer support that resonates with your personal culture. Trust is very important in this though. You don’t want to be vulnerable with someone who will post all your struggles/silent pain just because you had a fallout.

Talk things through

Some times, we feel things are not the way we want them to be in our friendships. We feel people are distant or not loving enough. In moments like this it can be tempting to retreat however I think it’s better to talk it out with your friend. This kind of conversations are uncomfortable but necessary. The same way you will talk things out with a romantic partner as opposed to jumping ship. Sometimes, it may just be a misunderstanding, or an oversight that’s not worth ending the friendship over.

It takes two to tango

If you want to have more friends, it’s easy to latch on to anyone and stay there, even when your energy is not matched. This has the tendency to be harmful because there is a mismatch which one party may not even be aware of. In every relationship, each participant has the responsibility of evaluation. Don’t accept less than you deserve just because you want more friends. Put in the effort, but if not reciprocated do what is best for you. It’s futile to call someone your friend but lowkey feel they don’t like you or they are not your friend the way you will like them to be.

There are levels to friendships

There are levels to friendships. So based on the last point, if someone doesn’t match your energy I don’t think it is enough to toss them. It may just be a matter of not being on the same level. I think we all move up and down the scale of friendship with all our guys at different times. So this is something you may consider before you ‘unfriend’ the person.

I find it interesting that I am able to share stuff like this about building friendships. From my experience, I know that it is not exactly a case of doing A plus B and getting C. There are other factors involved, but controlling the factor that you can (yourself) cannot be overemphasized.

Friendships are important and should be nurtured. This requires intentional, active work. Want to build deeper friendships? Check out this post. Click To Tweet

I believe friendships are important and should be nurtured just as we nurture romantic relationships. Just as we don’t leave dating and marriage to chance, we shouldn’t leave friendships to chance. I am currently obsessed with building and maintaining great friendships and some of my friends tease me that this is because I am not in a relationship. Lol. I truly hope they are wrong though, and that I keep valuing friendships just as much even after marriage and children.

Do you have tips for building and nurturing relationships? Please share.